Helping Yourself Heal When Your Parent Dies

Your mother or father has died. Whether you had a good, bad or indifferent relationship with the parent who died, your feelings for him or her were probably quite strong. At bottom, most of us love our parents deeply. And they love us with the most unconditional love that imperfect human beings can summons.

You are now faced with the difficult, but necessary, need to mourn the loss of this significant person in your life. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings about the death. It is an essential part of healing.

Realize Your Grief is Unique

Your grief is unique. No one grieves in exactly the same way. Your particular experience will be influenced by the type of relationship you had with your parent, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background.

As a result, you will grieve in your own way and in your own time. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people, or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

The parent-child bond is perhaps the most fundamental of all human ties. When your mother or father dies, that bond is torn. In response to this loss you may feel a multitude of strong emotions.

Numbness, confusion, fear, guilt, relief and anger are just a few of the feelings you may have. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

While everyone has unique feelings about the death of a parent, some of the more common emotions include:

• Sadness You probably expected to feel sad when your parent died, but you may be surprised at the overwhelming depth of your feelings of loss. It’s natural to feel deeply sad. After all, someone who loved you without condition and cared for you as no one else could have is now gone. If this was your second parent to die, you may feel especially sorrowful; becoming an “adult orphan” can be a very painful transition. You may also feel sad because the loss of a parent triggers secondary losses, such as the loss of a grandparent to your children. Allow yourself to feel sad and embrace your pain.
• Relief If your parent was sick for a time before the death, you may well feel relief when he or she finally dies. This feeling may be particularly strong if you were responsible for your ill parent’s care. This does not mean you did not love your parent. In fact, your relief at the end to suffering is a natural outgrowth of your love.
• Anger If you came from a dysfunctional or abusive family, you may feel unresolved anger toward your dead parent. His or her death may bring painful feelings to the surface. On the other hand, you may feel angry because a loving relationship in your life has prematurely ended. If you are angry, try to examine the source of that often legitimate anger and work to come to terms with it.
• Guilt If your relationship with your parent was rocky, distant or ambivalent, you may feel guilty when that parent dies. You may wish you had said things you wanted to say but never did-or you may wish you could unsay hurtful things. You may wish you had spent more time with your parent. Guilt and regret can be normal responses to the death of your mother or father. And working through those feelings is essential to healing.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Let yourself feel whatever you may be feeling; don’t judge yourself or try to repress painful thoughts and feelings. And whenever you can, find someone who will hear you out as you explore your grief.

Recognize the Death’s Impact on Your Entire Family

If you have brothers or sisters, the death of this parent will probablyaffect them differently than it is affecting you. After all, each of them had aunique relationship with the parent who died, so each has the right to mournthe loss in his or her own way.

The death may also stir up sibling conflicts. You and your brothers andsisters may disagree about the funeral, for example, or argue about familyfinances. Recognize that such conflicts are natural, if unpleasant. Do yourpart to encourage open communication during this stressful family time. You mayfind, on the other hand, that the death of your parent brings you and yoursiblings closer together. If so, welcome this gift.

Finally, when there is a surviving parent, try to understand the death’simpact on him or her. The death of a spouse-often a husband or wife of manydecades-means many different things to the surviving spouse than it does toyou, the child of that union. This does not mean that you are necessarily responsiblefor the living parent; in fact, to heal you must first and foremost meet yourown grief needs. But it does mean that you, a younger and often more resilientfamily member, should be patient and compassionate as you continue yourrelationship with the surviving parent.

Reach Out to Others for Support

Perhaps the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself at thisdifficult time is to reach out for help from others. Think of it this way:grieving the loss of a parent may be the hardest work you have ever done. Andhard work is less burdensome when others lend a hand.

If your parent was old, you may find that others don’t fully acknowledgeyour loss. As a culture, we tend not to value the elderly. We see them ashaving outlived their usefulness instead of as a source of great wisdom,experience and love. And so when an elderly parent dies, we say, “Be glad shelived a long, full life” or “It was his time to go” instead of “Your mother wasa special person and your relationship with her must have meant a lot to you.I’m sorry for your loss.”

Blended or nontraditional families can also be the source of disenfranchisedgrief. If you have lost someone who wasn’t your biological parent but who was,in the ways that count, a mother or father to you, know that your grief forthis person is normal and necessary. You have the right to fully mourn thedeath of a parent-figure.

Seek out people who acknowledge your loss and will listen to you as youopenly express your grief. Avoid people who try to judge your feelings or worseyet, try to take them away from you. Sharing your pain with others won’t makeit disappear, but it will, over time, make it more bearable. Reaching out forhelp also connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love thatmake life seem worth living again.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Yourability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your lowenergy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind aretelling you. Nurture yourself. Get enough rest. Eat balanced meals. Lightenyour schedule as much as possible.

Allow yourself to “dose” your grief; do not force yourself to think aboutand respond to the death every moment of every day. Yes, you must mourn if youare to heal, but you must also live.